Far from Ordinary

Mother tongue fails
in the deepest of sentiments
Poets and linguists agonize;
likening the Indiscriminate phrase
to a red, red rose

which dies.

Not in essence
except to serve

Never in strength
but to fortify

Naught in object
unless to imbue

with breath
to speak the word

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him...
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."
-Pearl Buck-

The year I turned 21 was when everything changed. It was a slow change surely and my decision became final only six years later, but 2005 was definitely the turning point.

Ten years old is young to start baby-sitting. My first 'clients' were the twins across the street. They were in a family of seven, the youngest at almost two years old. I sang them to sleep with a lullaby I had composed when I was eight years old. For days later, the twins 'talked' about me, affectionately pointing to the lady on the red raisin box and saying, "Lala" because apparently, they thought I looked like her. Their mom was surprised by the twins' obvious affection for me.

My little brother was born when I was 11 and 1/2. January 14th, 1996. I held him, helped my mom change his diapers, babysat him as soon as he was old enough to be weaned. A friend recently asked me, "You were not nervous about holding a newborn when you were that young?" It had never even crossed my mind to be nervous about that.

Taking care of children came second nature to me. I adored them! I was familiar with the developmental stages, the differences in correction needed for the various ages and situations. I knew how to soothe crying babies or squabbling siblings. Anything I didn't know, I learned about in Child Development classes in High School, from my parents or other acquaintances with children. I listened to Focus on the Family broadcasts about Biblical/practical parenting techniques and difficulties. It is impossible to say this without sounding too prideful, but I had more experience, knowledge and wisdom at 18 when it came to caring for children of any age than many of my friends did upon having their first child in their 20s.

From the age of 10-21, I babysat extensively, played with children at church in the nurseries, worked with elementary aged children every summer for mission trips, volunteered as an adult on High Schooler's mission trips and taught their Sunday School. I had experience watching ten kids at once, all various ages. I had experience working with tantrum-disobedient two year olds, rambunctious four year olds, self-conscious eight year olds, and awkward adolescents. I have potty-trained a 3 year old and gained the respect of a class-full of inner-city teenagers.

Everyone who knew me said, "Oh you will make a wonderful mom!" I inwardly agreed, to be honest. Between the ages of 16 and 22, I had plans to get married and have about ten children of my own.

In 2005, I was working in New Jersey as a nanny for a family of twin 3 month olds and a 3 year old. At the time I had recently graduated with my Associates Degree and my only life goal was to get married and have those ten children. I was only waiting for the man to come along. To my surprise, though, I found a new feeling dawn within my spirit and it arrived on the coat-tails of the realization that I was soon to turn 21.

"What does it feel like to be in your 20s?" I asked myself. "Actually, I do not feel like I am 20, I feel like a worn out 45 year old woman with years of child-rearing ahead and behind her. I have 'raised' a lot of children already. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Maybe I want to learn a new career. I wonder what it feels like to be a 20 year old?"

That inward conversation led me to discover that I was burnt out from being a nanny. At the time, I was shocked at myself for entertaining the feeling that I couldn't even bear to have my own children, I was so burnt out. "I just need a break," I thought. "I will take a break for a while, discover my gifts, learn what it means to be my age for a while, that way I will have something to offer my own children when I have them."

For the next two or three years, I did just that. I moved around, tried different jobs, went back to school, rediscovered my love of writing, dabbled in art and dancing again.

I stopped volunteering in the church nursery, stopped nannying altogether, even did little babysitting because it would send me into a burnt out panic again. Instead, I cleaned houses, worked as an ESL teacher in an Elementary school, trained horses, worked as a lab assistant, was a wedding coordinator, secretary, substitute teacher, served in church by playing my cello or singing, helped with renovations or meal set-up, worked with the poor.

I was growing, learning and seeing the possibilities for my life expand and change. God was leading me down paths I never dreamed would actually be possible for my life! Dreams for my purpose started edging slowly away from being a mother, but I didn't notice right away.

When I was in the midst of my education at the University of Arizona, my younger sister got married and when I found out she was pregnant I was so happy for her! A few days later as I contemplated the news, a huge wave of relief swept over me. Unexpectedly, I found myself awed and exhilarated by the fact that God had not answered my many prayers to get married and have those ten children ASAP! I was a bit perplexed at this relief, but thought it was just a momentary thankfulness. I must be glad 'for the time being' that God delayed and brought other marvelous things into my life. Probably I will want children later.

December 2009, I graduated with my degree in Creative Writing and Equine Science. I hadn't thought about wanting children for a while by this point. Truth be told, I was immensely enjoying the fact that my life was not revolving around children. I had other gifts and skills! I had different possibilities and dreams for my future! I could still enjoy spending time with my nieces, nephews and the multitudes of children that my already married friends had! And I didn't have the pressure to discipline them or schedule their days or soothe their unquenchable tears...I could just pass them back to mommy and daddy with a gentle pat and smile. The idea had already started forming that I would be not necessarily mind if God never gave me the opportunity to have my own children.

For the entire time I lived in Tucson, my body started to revolt on me. Without going into too much detail, I gained about 60 lbs in a year and a half and could not get it off even after two years of dancing, riding horses, training horses and eating healthy. Other things were changing too. I went to the doctor insisting something was wrong, but he could not find anything! It wasn't until my periods started wigging out that things got even worse. One day in February 2010, I was in extreme pain and my body was scaring me. I was in my house, laying on my bed. My mom was sitting next to me. Between moans, I told her how miserable I was. Since I was ten years old I had had debilitating cramps and other related issues- 16 years of extreme pain! I told my mom that the rcent changes were more than I could bear on top of everything else and that I had considered asking for a hysterectomy. "I don't even care if I can never have children after that! Is that bad?" My mom calmly said, "Laelia, you do not HAVE TO have children! I enjoyed having you kids, but there are so many ways to be an influence in the world. I see you as having hundreds of kids in the sense that you speak to them through your writing, your childrens' stories."

Soon I would go to the gynecologist, be diagnosed with PCOS and endometrial hyperplasia, both of which have a high chance of causing infertility and cancer. I had to have an invasive biopsy done to make sure I did not have cancer and still need to be checked every year to make sure it does not develop. Since June 2010, my life has been transformed by the miracle of birth control! (I literally thank God for it almost every day!) I never thought I would ever say that, but for the first time in my life I am without that debilitating pain, not to mention it guards against my high risk of endometrial cancer.

Since my startling revelation that day in my room (and my mom's even more startling response), I have been on a long, prayerful journey. Through prayer, seeking advice from godly friends, pastors, scripture, articles and weighing my dreams, desires and gifts in light of the possibility that I could be called to remain childless by choice, I finally decided permanently that that is exactly the path I wish to take. With that decision came the assurance that I still long to be married to a godly man and have our relationship be one that glorifies the Lord. I believe that the Lord will bring me a man who is called to the same lifestyle even though it seems near impossible to find a Christian man who also loves children, but is not called to have his own. With God, nothing is impossible, though. It is my dream that we will be able to focus on our marriage and extend our influence into the lives of those around us in ways that we could not if we had our own children.

In the meantime, I am loving my seven nieces and nephews, the children of my best friends, the children in my church and on the bus or train. I grieve with my friends and siblings who desire children and are not able to conceive, or endure the heartbreak of miscarriages. I pray for God to grant them children, to heal their children. I smile at the children I come across every day, laugh with them, comfort them and play with them even more freely now because I know my calling and I have so much relief and joy in it, that I feel more free to love.

Every time my sister Bess or I declared that we were going to get a hair cut, my dad would invariably say, "I know JUST the style for you!" and he would spread his fingers and fan them over his head in the place of a potential Mohawk. He'd laugh mischievously and we'd chuckle and roll our eyes. While I do not plan to go to such extremes as this photo demonstrates (although the kissing part might be nice), 2012 is now dubbed, "My year of EXPRESSION!"

A coworker friend Jill and I discussed new year traditions at lunch one day. She found out that I enjoy choosing a spiritual focus or a specific prayer list for the year and suggested I read an article she had come across.

Read it yourself. I am too relaxed after my massage to explain the concept.

The theme I chose stems from my desire to live out certain aspects of my life that God was tweaking all last year... well, pretty much my entire life.
With 'Expression' as my theme for this year, I hope to intentionally continue along the path God started clearing for me during Fall of 2011. Without explaining in too much detail, these are a few of the areas that I know 'expression' will cause me to live differently than I have in the past:

1. EXPRESS feelings: to acknowledge them in the first place (anger, sadness etc), talk to God about them, talk to a trusted person about them and/or ACT on them- either by repenting of certain attitudes or confronting someone or just allowing myself to cry or rant

2. EXPRESS gifts: sing, paint, play my cello and recorder more often, to write more letters of encouragement, to write more in general, public speaking, pray-pray-PRAY, to learn and use my MIND which has been sorely neglected lately, bake/cook, and experiment in general more

3. EXPRESS life: this might look like choosing to love anyway especially when it seems hopeless or pointless or painful; pouring love into those around me by listening, hugging, serving, repenting, forgiving and laughing; taking dance classes again to reconnect with the kinesthetic-passionate side of me, saying no to the 'activities' and 'service' which I allow to fill my time with enough busyness to avoid facing the hard issues of my life, heart and relationships; and only stick to the people and areas of service that God sees as my priorities

It is my hope that this focus will make every area of my life an EXPRESSION of WORSHIP to my Lord. This will not be easy. I will have to be okay with disappointing people's expectations of who I should be or what I should be doing with this time, body, mind, heart, spirit and breath that God has given me. I will have to be okay with failing miserably as I journey to take hold of the life God has been pushing me towards. I thought for a while my fear of death was a stumbling block, keeping me captive, but lately I have realized it was only masking my greater fear of LIVING. For almost 28 years, Satan has been working to stifle me, trying to obscure my God-given identity and purpose:
'King's Beloved Daughter named Laelia Catherine Watt (beauty-orchid, pure, leader of the armies); light-bearer, joy-giver, gentle-ruler. Sinner redeemed by Christ. One on whom God smiles.'
[God's names for us are long when translated into our languages.]
In many ways his tactics succeeded, at least in numbing my thrum of life or misdirecting it. In the midst of my darkest times, I felt a pull that, if I would only let go of my fear and trust God for the life he intended me to display, the world would never be the same again. The implications of living such a life both scared and thrilled me.

Watch out, world.

Here I come.

Without the Mohawk, of course.

Here are some photos I took at the Missouri Botanical Garden's Orchid show this past Spring. I came across the folder again and decided dark December was a good time to be reminded of flowers. The orange ones are "Laelia" orchids

We, formed in the mind of HIM and breathed into Time's kazoo,
hurtle forth perplexed, with a small grape salad in each hand.

We think
we lack tickings of clocks, grand hellos or rambling thoughts
we think
we lack calendar photos or celebrations of first cries
we think,
...this one had a good run
...that one didn't have a chance
...the other one should not have been granted an audience

Shadows writhe along the walls assured
we are only a physical breach, a tipsy toddle, the rotting of chromosomes
Hollows sound with mule brays basking in their owlish delight
we are only rounds of a checkers game stalked by crowned enemy kings in our Wake

Few Lights blazon and blink down a path walked by countless fogs
here we are, immortals

Some journey two pages and depart to evergreen trees, crisp ocean breeze, a bubbling of friendly rejoices and kisses
Some wander four chapters and depart to putrid nightmares, clogged in a room of knives obscured, no whimper of sympathy.

But ALL walk and walk and walk
along a Timeline-
with a promised beginning and an ever reaching, never end,
interrupted by a momentary glitch-
and stumble
into Comedy or Tragedy

Reading blogs of friends has made me realize, it has been THREE MONTHS since the last time I have written on my own blog! I started this blog originally so that I would have a place to practice writing often, at least to force myself to write 'in public' and hone my skills, but here I am, letting three entire months go by and not a single word written. Unacceptable!

I have, in fact, been writing these past few months. Most of my writing has been in my journals or in completing the exercises in an amazing workbook called "The Creative Call: an Artists response to the Way of the Spirit." (Seriously, if you are an artist, writer, creative at all, I highly recommend this book! HIGHLY! I have never gone through a workbook and been so incredibly inspired and equipped as I have with this book. If you are stuck in your creative endeavors, curious as to how the gifts God has given you play into the call on your life, GET THIS BOOK AND DO IT! If you have no money to buy it, please borrow mine!)

Anyway, I have also been working on my children's stories. There are about six in various stages of completion saved onto my computer. Some stories I wrote years ago, a couple I started within the past couple of months, and one of them is finished, edited, has been reviewed by other writers and polished to the best level I could muster. This one, called "The Grown-Up Boy" has been sent out to TWO agents so far! I decided to focus on acquiring an agent first because you can send the same manuscript to any number of agents at a time and if one decides to take you on, they will solicit the publishing companies for you. This is a good thing for many reasons.

1. They can do all the leg work soliciting publishing companies for you while you can focus on writing.
2. Many publishers won't even look at a manuscript unless an agent represents it first.
3. With publishing companies, you can only send your manuscript to one of them at a time, wait the four months until they do/don't get back to you and then send your manuscript out again... basically, it is a more tedious process.
4. You don't pay agents until they get you a publishing contract for you, then they get a 10%-20% (Usually 15% I think) cut of the money you are paid. The work that they do for you is invaluable though as mentioned in point 1 and 2 and they set up book tours etc as well. In theory, you could have a partnership with the same agent/agency through your entire writing career which would be nice for both parties involved.

God used that Creative Call workbook to make me realize that I need to be more disciplined, focused and intentional in using the gifts He has given me. My creative gifts are not only things that I am passionate about exploring, nor are they only 'side hobbies,' but he wants me to use them for His glory in some manner! I realized that I was looking at my artistic nature as the world does- impractical. The world may admire artistic people, but really, most of society looks at us and expects us to do those things in our spare time as a hobby and then to get real and get a real job! Rarely is the creative life even encouraged as a possibility for a legitimate career!

Little by little over the past two years as I have been pounding my head into a brick wall trying to procure the elusive full-time job with benefits, I have been feeling pulled more strongly towards the Creative life. When I was underemployed in Tucson, I taught myself the recorder. My friend Layne and I started our own folk music band, both singing and playing our instruments. In Tucson and in St. Louis I started teaching cello lessons. Since moving to St. Louis, writing projects have skyrocketed, I've done more collages and sculptures in the past year than I have in the past ten, I learned to knit, paint, took up woodburning, joined the church choir, sang a few solos and I play my cello in the worship band. Through much prayer, angst, tears, confusion, and constant confirmation from the Lord, I am finally realizing that, despite the 'impractical' nature of my calling, I am CALLED to a creative life!

I am still not completely sure how it will look. Since as early as second or third grade I knew these two things: I want to be an author and I want to get married. Both desires have been often thwarted and discouraged at various points in my life, but God continues to reinforce them after every odd twist and turn. For now, the only thing I know to do is put one foot in front of the other in the direction of the Lord, using the gifts he has given me, practicing them, experimenting, filling my days with them. Practically, in 2011, this has led me to join the St. Louis Writers Guild, ask my younger sister to edit my stories, save a small amount of money to now and then buy art supplies I need, develop new writing and artistic techniques, turn my uncle's bedroom into my art studio (Thanks, Uncle Dick! heehee), create and Etsy shop and start sending my manuscript out to agents. Please pray for me as I step out in faith.

For the past few weeks, I have been mulling over many potential blog posts for the future! I plan on writing a couple of essays that will address some areas of my life I have not attempted to broach before as well as a few essays on relevant spiritual/societal issues. Creative Nonfiction was my major and it is the genre that is often used to challenge, confront and vulnerably divulge in ways that can be everything from subtle to jarring, so I have been wanting to return to that for a few entries.